English quotes without an author:

Sure I believe in peace. Peace through superior firepower.
The charms of a woman are directly related to the speed of her passing.
The decision doesn't have to be logical, it was unanimous.
The early worm gets the bird.
The future ain't what it used to be.
The more people I meet, the more I love my battleaxe.
The most useful tool for dealing with management types is, of course, an automatic weapon.
The only good Smurf is a dead Smurf.
The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
The quickest way to a man's heart is through his ribcage.
Wedding rings: the world's smallest handcuffs.
When in doubt, fuck it. When not in doubt... get in doubt!
Kids in the back seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause kids.
A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
You know what, Stuart? I like you. You're not like the other people, here, in the trailer park.
Your mother wears combat boots. But I like combat boots.
Government is a burden on the people.
I don't have a drinking problem... I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem.
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
<Lat1num> Ar5on: how's junior high? <Ar5oN> you tell me anul boy <_ap0k> arson : dont you have recess now? <Lat1num> Wow. I've never seen humor of this caliber before.

Norwegian quotes from IRC:

<bomarr> no sir æ d <bomarr> at æ ikke e forelska i ho <Hawk> har du drevve å lurt smådame j0rg?! :P <bomarr> huff æ e nåty <bomarr> wæææææ ho ber <bomarr> wwwææøæøæ <bomarr> JEG TRENGER SERIØS HJELP!!!!!!!!!!!! <Hawk> snakk med frode, han BOR jo på åsgård ;D <bomarr> JEG TRENGER SERIØS HJELP!!!!!!!!!!!!MED JENTER <Hawk> okei, da kan jo ikke frode hjelpe mye.. <bomarr> HO TAR MED EI VENNINE <Hawk> HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
<Greedo> tommy-logikk e dum
<Greedo> fadern ville se nyheter først <Greedo> nei.. han mente dessuten at om æ skulle se nå burde det være Krystoff Kieslowski- Blå <Hawk> hmmm... jeg er ikke sikker om jeg vil vite hva det er <Greedo> du må få vite <Hawk> :/ <Greedo> polsk surrealistisk filosofisk postmodernistisk geniforklart film * Greedo syns rambo høres mye bedre ut
<Kr0sus> winge klokka opp sin gamle 60 mhz pentium til 67 mhz <Kr0sus> og i tillegg satt han i en schwær vifte så den ikke skulle bli for varm <Kr0sus> han har jo alltid vært en luring
<Hawk> stemm hp <analyZer> hp? <Hawk> håkons parti <analyZer> dte gjør vi <Greedo> alle sammen <Greedo> så kan vi bli skinnhead-nerds
<Hawk> mats barberer leggene, er turner og svimer av etter å lukte på "6% øl" (sitat Gunnar Moe).... er det bare jeg som ser sammenhengen..?
"Det er så lenge siden jeg var full at det er helt flaut." -Runa Hald 25.03.99
<RZA69> æ har fått virus avn josefsen <RZA69> ..æ ska faenmæ ta å formatere hele skalln hans på skolen
<Addjii> Æ kjede mæ skikkelig <^CHuMP^> ring dama di da <Hawk> koffer ska ho ringe dæ eigil ? <^CHuMP^> hoho <^CHuMP^> trine u f00l <Hawk> ditt alias ? <Hawk> når du "har det gøy med mors klær" <^CHuMP^> haha <^CHuMP^> hold kjeft ;D
<Hawk> hvor drar HA (Hans-Augun) da? skal han lede universet eller hva? <Greedo> Messias skal lede FN's NEO-kommisjon
<Hawk> tenke seg at snart 12 timer har gått forbi uten at jeg har gjort noe som helst remotely vettig <Hawk> litt skremmende... gir mening i alle "dagens ungdom" utsagnene.. <Greedo> har far din gjort "noe vettig" i løpet av den samme tiden? <Hawk> han er ute og handler <Greedo> teller det som vettig?? i såfall har jeg vært vettig i dag.. gikk på kiosken og kjøpte potetgull :P
<Hawk> æ må sove snart * Greedo må såve om 5 timer.... <Hawk> frode.. din barske viking :D <Greedo> spis mye fesk og kellogg's spesial K :P
<Hawk-> i understand... you must retain the pureness of your heritage.... i mean, who would eat a dirty fish? naturally no one would... so distancing yourself from reality and all the problems surrounding it, is a vital way of nurturing your peoples traditions <Greedo> for eg kan retteleg mange fine ord, som eg kan seie, og så kan eg hengje ut alle andre slik det passar meg.. og dessutan får det meg til å se svært så intelligent ut
<^CHuMP^> for + klar gangbanger greia <^CHuMP^> <Hawk> kvasigangmember <^CHuMP^> forklar <^CHuMP^> din pikk <Hawk> kvasigangMEMBER <tigerlill> eigil banger bare eiv <^CHuMP^> HOLD KJEFT HORE <Hawk> rolig nu, salven for krypling-foten din skulle ikke smøres på "den plassen" eigil... det gjør en lett irriterbar <tigerlill> HAHAHA <tigerlill> håkon er en stjerne <^CHuMP^> håkon er en homse
<RZA69> fååååån d va kjedelig... <RZA69> æ stikk.. <RZA69> snax håkon.... <Hawk> hade håkon <AginJR> ? <Hawk> stakkars meg <Hawk> stakkars stakkars meg <AginJR> hawk har blitt en schizo-freak
<Hawk> jeg stjeler bare fra frode og hans rike familie, de har penger i veggen og bor i palass midt i hagen på Åsgård (ikke *helt* tilfeldig, men frode vil kanskje ikke prate om sin fortid..) <Greedo> !kick Hawk Stygge skallete fascisthund
<Atherton> hmm.. ken er blitt ennå sløvere.. elevene får gå på gangen for å balle snus
<Atherton> gunnar bruker 60% av skoledagen på å forske på snusballing <Atherton> norge er bra
<Atherton> jeg doblet jims tyskkarakter i dag.. :P
<Atherton> tror kristian har visse problemer........ <Atherton> små rødhårete, som sådan <Hawk`> ok frode, shame on you! <Atherton> unnskyld <Hawk`> that was not nice! <Atherton> trond sa fy...
<Hawk`> apologize to Kriss! <Atherton> Kr0sus: sorry <Hawk`> there'll be no candy for you! <Atherton> Well.. jeg er ikke alene om det <Atherton> :P
<pHrode_> trond, mannen som svømmer i damer, men rejecter dem alle <Hawk> hvorfor utnytter du ikke situasjonen? <Atherton> definer situasjon <Hawk> <Atherton> definer situasjon <-- den perfekte politiker.. vi maa faa han inn som russe president <pHrode_> i did not have sex with that woman, miss Næss
<Hawk``> frode: vi skal hoere cream, doors, beatles wilson picket og alt annet fett <pHrode_> hawk: du får feste med min far
<pHrode> skjønner du ikke hvor utrolig din karriere kommer til å være etter universitetet.. alle oss andre kan måpe i stum beundring når du går opp på podiet for å motta hyllest fra en samlet verden
<Greedo> eventuelle konnotasjoner av intellektuell elite er ikke mitt ansvar
<pHrode> jeg er prinsippfast til et visst punkt.. men da måtte selv jeg gi opp <Hawk> joda, du er jo kjent for å være prinsippfast, en solid og urikkelig person! <pHrode> don't disrespect my lack of principle
<pHrode> pillen er for feiginger.. ekte menn er ikke redde for tilfeldig sex og barnebidrag :P
<Tha_Leade> hawk: ho blei lei, og fant sæ en ny type <Tha_Leade> håpe ho blir like feit som mora...
<pHrode> frossenpizza er ikke så galt det, da.. jeg spiste mye av det i min tid, jeg <Hawk```> i din tid? <pHrode> da jeg var ung og uansvarlig sivilist <pHrode> uten ag3 og gru

<Hawk> gresset er alltid grønnere på den andre siden <LeoTrotskij> hopper du over til den andre siden må du sannsynligvis slå den plenen også, som min gamle grandonkel på Sjånesset pleide å si det

English quotes with an author:

"So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence." Bertrand Russel
"The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent full of doubt." Bertrand Russell.
"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject." Winston Churchill
"What has been the fruits of Christianity ? Superstition, bigotry and persecution." James Madison, 4th president of the U.S
"Religion is a magic device for turning unanswerable questions into unquestionable answers." Art Gecko.
"Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it." Andre Gide.
"A very small part of this great system, during a very short time, is very imperfectly discovered to us; and do we thence pronounce decisively concerning the origin of the whole?" David Hume, Dialogues Concerning Natural Religion
“We thought we was going to be richer than the white folks, ‘cause we was stronger and knowed how to work, and the whites didn’t, and they didn’t have us to work for them any more. But it didn’t turn out that way. We soon found out that freedom could make folks proud, but it didn’t make ‘em rich. Did you ever stop to think that thinking don’t do any good when you do it too late? Well that’s how it was with us. If every mother’s son of a black had thrown ‘way his hoe and took up a gun to fight for his own freedom along with the Yankees, the war’d been over before it began. But we didn’t do it. We couldn’t help stick to our masters. We couldn’t no more shoot ‘em than we could fly. My father and me used to talk ‘bout it. We decided we was too soft and freedom wasn’t going to be much to our good even if we had a education.” Felix Haywood, post Civil War freedman.
"[In the West African culture of Dahomey] the man has his own house, as has each of the women and her children, after the basic African principle that two wives cannot successfully inhabit the same quarters." Melville Herskovits. Cultural Anthropology.
"I must however remind you that though benevolence and self-love are different, though the former tends most directly to public good, and the latter to private, yet they are so perfectly coincident that the greatest satisfactions to ourselves depend upon our having benevolence in a due degree, and that self-love is one chief security of our right behavior toward society. It may be added that their mutual coinciding, so that we can scarce promote one without the other, is equally a proof that we were made for both." Joseph Butler, Five Sermons.
"Mankind are by nature so closely united, there is such a correspondence between the inward sensations of one man and those of another that disgrace is as much avoided as bodily pain, and to be the object of esteem and love as much desired as any external goods; and in many particular cases, persons are carried on to do good to others, as the end their affection tends to and rests in, and manifest that they find real satisfaction and enjoyment in this course of behavior. There is such a natural principle of attraction in man toward man that having trod the same tract of land, having breathed the same climate, barely having been born in the same artificial district or division, becomes the occasion of contracting acquaintances and familiarities many years after; for anything may serve the purpose." Joseph Butler, Five Sermons.
"Nothing is more easily broken than a man's word." Thomas Hobbes, Leviathan
"The bonds of words are too weak to bridle men's ambition, avarice, anger, and other passions." Thomas Hobbes, Leviathan
"This latter [a will to keep your word] is a generosity too rarely found to be presumed on, especially in the pursuers of wealth, command or sensual pleasure; which are the greatest part of mankind." Thomas Hobbes, Leviathan
"Therefore I put down for one of the most effectual seeds of the Death of any State, that the Conquerors require not only a Submission of men's actions to them for the future, but also an Approbation of all their actions past; when there is scarce a Common-wealth in the world, whose beginnings can in conscience be justified." Thomas Hobbes, Leviathan
"Opinion forcibly overcomes truth." Simonides. Plato, Republic.
"Our life is frittered away by detail... Simplify, simplify, simplify! ... Simplicity of life and elevation of purpose." - Thoreau

Professor Myers in 312:

"The most important part of CS is assigning blame." Tuesday, February 5th 2002
"This is ML getting in your face.... but in a useful way." Thursday, February 7th 2002
On how algorithms (such as square root) handle NaN: "NaN goes to NaN is the usual bull." Thursday, February 7th 2002
"Taking CS312 is liking trying to drink from a fire hydrant." Upon completion of the course.

Modern Operating Systems book by AST:

On why the "ostrich approach" is nonsense: "Ostriches can run at 60 km/hour and their kick is powerful enough to kill any lion with visions of a big chicken dinner."
On why research on distributed deadlock detection won't be discussed in MOS: "Its main function seems to be keeping otherwise unemployed graph theorists off the streets."

Anonymous CS major

"I've finished what should be my last CS project and I'd like to give a big FUCK YOU to the following:
15 hour days in the lab
entire weekends lost to programming
big O notation
heap errors
invalid pointers
project descriptions that don't tell you shit
non-determinism
run-time errors
shit that doesn't compile
<bleep>
grades posted online
deadlock
points taken off for style
problem sets that are issued the day the last one is due
writing your own test cases
code from the TA's with bugs in it
impossible prelims
tail recursion
functors (wtf?)
inheritance
the fucking jornadas!
project demos
ordering food the lab
makefiles
infinite while loops
minimax w/ alpha beta pruning
off by 1 errors
synchronization
tycoon mismatch
the preprocessor
last minute specification changes
assembly
And finally the biggest fuck you: Professor <BLEEP BLEEP>."

Cornell Quotes

"Do you want me to be your sailor?" Dhruva to Scully
"Forgive me Lord, for I enjoy Dhruva's pelvic thrusts!" - Scully
"Why does this fucker vibrate?!" Ramona (really talking about PS2 joystick)
"My porn is a little less 1970s style." Dhruva
"Your head is just so tempting right now." Anonymous to me (really talking about my short hair)
"I know what I'm doing, I just don't know what I'm talking about." Ramona
"Haakon is not a real blond, if you know what I mean...." Dhruva to Ramona and Kori
"Is too late to transfer to hum-ec?" Jeff
"'cause it's good when it's hard" Dhruva (really talking about sleeping on the floor vs. the bed)
"'cause if there's no banging then there's nothing" Dhruva
Jeff is well-spoken over AIM: "but is till thin you should try get goatse"
"There was a window of opportunity for a while, but I just sort of walked passed it and waved." Jeff
"When Jeff goes to the beach, the fashion world cries." Jeff
"I just used chemicals to chemically alter my head." Ramona
"Bambi's mother was iced." Jeff
"When are we dragging the students into the woods?" Jeff
"Beer goes in, work comes out" Jeff
"I'm just glad my life is better than it's going to be" Jeff

"Knock-knock. Who's there? Lief-von-aut. Lief who out? Lief Thorsten out!" - Me

me: if you're waiting that long to get married, what are you going to do in the meantime?
Dhruva: sheep?

"Scully seems to be so in love with math that were it a woman, he would fornicate with it outside the confines of the sanctity of marriage as granted by our Lord Jesus." Hilin

Tracy talking to me from Dhruva's AIM account:
DhruvaKarle: okay, here is your stupid monkey boyfriend. he wants to talk to you now

me: Princeton is also nice because I already know a girl there
Ann: like a grad student girl
Ann: or like a girl i want to fuck
Ann: because if she's in the cs dept, there's no way she's both

... then on the uproar that ensued...
me: within 24 hours all my cs female friends had had a meeting discussing how to approach the issue
Ann: how about trying another major
Ann: like art history
Ann: that might boost their sex appeal

(Regarding a home-cooked meal made for us by Tracy):
Scully: I've gotten a lot of free stuff from them
Scully: eventually they are going to want me to contribute something
Me: we contribute with our presence (that's what I tell myself, anyway...)
Scully: haha no I'm not even willing to do that, I eat my chicken in the bathroom

"You are not licking Ankur's cream." -Heather to Shafer (really talking about a desert).

VonTrotsky: one of the guys posts to comp.lang.ml the other one is cool too.

VonTrotsky: can't we just have a good time without being a couple?
VonTrotsky: where good time not a euphemism

VonTrotsky: i think i read the wrong books. most of them tend to go
1) boy meets girl
2) disaster happens
3) pick one or more: boy kills himself | girls kills her self | girl is pregnant | girl's heartlessness kills boy | boy's friend kills girl
VonTrotsky: and those are the uplifting stories :P

A Jeff story from Aditya: "At 12 AM I get a call from him asking me whether tonight was on. I was like wtf. I said jeff this is aditya from cornell..cs 530..syslab remember? I  am on the east coast, you are on the west...I can't make it out there with the best will in the world... turns out his roommate is also called aditya...so he speeddialled me  instead of him :-p and then he and I just burst out laughing. and true to jeff's form, he does it again 24 hours later...:-p"

VonTrotsky: in the 50's girls were supposed to be troublesome objects
VonTrotsky: in the 60's feminism taught us that women are not objects
VonTrotsky: the implication is obvious
VonTrotsky: they are simply troublesome

Post-Cornell Quotes

Me: why aren't you logged in [to AIM] from your normal account?
Jeff: oh, so i met this guy a few days ago at a coffee shop and we had this conversation and he seemed cool so we exchanged aim addresses... anyhow i had a strange conversation with him online last night... i'm alittle sketched out, but don't feel like going as far as to block him
Jeff: i have a bad feeling i may have been hit on :(

Me: tons of people are returning for slopeday
Mike: its pretty cool - you wonder how many people had a group of friends tight enough to pull something like this off
Me: I'm worried someone will die from alcohol poisoning
Me: actually, I'm mainly worried that shafer will die from alcohol poisoning
Mike: you know I stayed up late at night worried about that
Mike: every night, not just for slopeday

Me: personally i like your version of the bathroom incident the most. when Lawrence is peeking through the crack in the stall
Mike: yeah it was a good addition, I was pissed to find out it wasn't true
Me: wait, which part of it wasn't true?
Mike: I think I added that you went up to the stall and looked directly back at him
Me: lol. yeah, I looked back at him through the mirror. but that version is definitely better, yes. I say we keep it.
Mike: would you have done it if you could go back in time?
Mike: just to make the story better?

Me: yeah, given that there are a billion CS majors among us we should be able to put up some bulletin board where everyone says when they're arriving for slopeday weekend. it sounds right up Shafer's ally
Mike: hell I'm surprised he hasn't set up a fellowship reunion web site already
Me: yeah, he's dropping the ball on this
Mike: damn what is up with that kid not doing stuff he hasn't been asked to do!

Mike: the grad students had a potluck dinner for us when we visited UCSD. They brought the weirdest shit
Me: did any of it actually contain pot? because I don't know how you could consider going to a UC school where the kids aren't potheads
Mike: other than the pot brownies, no
Mike: and the big bowl of pot

Las Vegas Quotes

Sandeep sits down with Jeff and me:
Haakon: "We were just flirting"
Jeff: "We were just talking about flirting"
Jeff: "... with other people"

Jeff's gambling axioms:
1. Logic does not apply
2. Doubling your bet every time leads to certain overall winnings

Jeff: the expected value of the next card in blackjack is..
Sandeep: 7.34
Jeff: 7.3...
Sandeep: I just pulled that one out of my ass..
Jeff: Wow, your ass is awesome!

Princeton

Discussing whether we should play poker on Wednesday (Tony's playing hoops) or Thursday (I'd like to attend a party):
Tony: What's more important - me scoring points for the graduate college, or H getting tail?
Forrester: Well, only one of those will actually happen...
[pause with laughter, during which I feel disrespected on many levels]
Forrester: Sorry, Tony.

Tony: that [kid] is a total tool
Me: yeah? is "tool" a good or bad thing in this context ?
Tony: uhh. bad.
Tony: Like, I'd like to use my tool to urinate in his face.

On admitted Princeton students:
Alex: i looked at the resume of the two MIT people. i feel like they're better than me
Alex: both coming after masters. one has like 4 publications
Me: yeah, i got that feeling with my boys too (at least 2 of them).. maybe we were the down year?
Alex: hah. yeah, maybe 2004 is gonna be the retard year for Princeton
Alex: they'll institute a new policy: third year readmission

"Your mom likes the sequence alignment algorithm" - Dr. Kevin Wayne to student

Me: you guys should go to the graduate formal
Alex: do I look like a guy who owns a suit?
Janek: I say there's about a 50/50 chance that you're wearing pants right now

Alex: I would rate Josh about a 4 with a wig

Alex: C++ makes it too easy to put your underwear on outside your pants
Me: No, see, Java programmers almost always put their boxers on outside their pants, it's just that the Java VM puts on another layer of pants just to be sure. When they move to C++ their stupidity is revealed.

Ann: "I'm also very good at resisting temptation, tho i'm working on not to."

(Alex is working on his IP project)
Alex: I'm pinging. want me to ping you? cause I can do that shit
Me: don't fucking ping me! I don't want any of your viruses
Alex: its only a little c code h, don't be scared

(on the problems of STD's and how to know whether your new girl is healthy)
Harlan: it feels normal

Ted: A guy will date anything once

audax: nah never got tested
audax: im sure ill be fine tho
Alex: what gives you that sureness?
audax: eh i dont think she was attractive enuff to have stds

Nasheet: Haakon looks kind of like Leonardo DiCaprio
Leyla: God no!

"He just whipped it out. It may not have been romantic, but it was effective." - Melissa on how Phil proposed

[Commenting on this photo] "You look like one of those euro models.. like Hansel from Zoolander." - Dave